Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Sweet Little Broken Heart

In the reflective silence of the early morning, amidst ranking deals and linking printable coupons, my heart breaks for the mother I should be and the daughter who might be.  Might be what?  There is so much potential, so much beauty; inner and to behold, so much left to discover.  She is a vision of complete joy with unconditional and welcome arms for anyone who might need the brilliance of her smile.  Size, shape, or "in"ness matter little to her.  Everyone deserves her love.

Yesterday, as we readied her Christmas presents for friends at school she rattled off a list of names to address each tag.  'This one is for Drue" she said.  "She's handicapped but I don't care, I want to give her one too.  She's my friend!"  In a cynical world which judges a book by it's cover, in a junior high crowd which predetermines a student's worth, my sweet little broken heart judges no one.  As a mother, what more can I ask for!?  So, am I too selfish to wish only for a more perfect heart? 

I remember as if it were yesterday when the pediatric cardiologist began fumbling with miniature heart models and pictures.  "L-Transposition, your daughters heart is backwards" was all I really heard before the room began to spin uncontrollably.  Only two days old and my sweet little Baylee, the first life I helped bring into this world, was perched perilously on the edge of mortality.  I tried to take notes, to take in every bit of information I could absorb, but the shock and hormones kept fighting my reality into disarray.  Through drowning floods of tears I told myself it would be fine, she would be fine.  We could beat this thing right?

It's been over 12 years since my fate was changed, intertwined with that small and fragile broken heart.  Countless nights I have climbed into her little bed to whisper how sorry I was that I could not be a better mother to her after yelling over silly disagreements, to apologize for the broken heart I gave her and for the tremendous struggles yet to come.  Through a renewed flood of tears I whisper how beautiful she is, that I love her with all my heart, and that it will all be ok. To look at her sleeping there no one would know her heart beats off course or that her body is slowly tiring from the strain.  Miraculous, many would say, referring to her unchanging condition for the past decade.  But then, I knew this day would come - the day when the array of previously encouraging doctors would walk in the room and deliver the news that life would change and repair was now necessary.

Next week my sweet little broken heart will prepare for her first heart surgery and undergo a cardiac MRI to determine her heart's strength.  Regardless of the test results I already know the strength of her heart - unbreakable!  Mine is not so unyielding.  I weep in the silence of the night surrounded by coupons and grocery ads so no one can hear the sorrow of my broken heart.

So if you see me a little absent from posting as much on Savvy Shopper Deals off and on over the next few weeks (I'll try to keep posting as usual for the most part, 'cause doctors don't take coupons you know!) just know that while I do love coupons and deals my heart is where it should be, with my daughter.

19 comments:

  1. Our prayers are with you and your family:)

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  2. Let your heart remain where it is, with your daughter. All of us followers will be here when you have the time to get back on. I believe in the power of prayer and at this time I pray for healing in her "unbreakable" little heart and for God to give you all the strength you need during these trying times. I pray for all surgeons, that God guide them through her surgeries and to be able to repair any damage to her heart. I cannot imagine just how you are feeling right now but I do know, when our children hurt, it is our heart that hurts right with them. May God be with you all, comfort you and repair your precious childs little heart. In Jesus name I pray
    BTW, you should be a writer, you have a way with words...seriously!

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  3. Wow. Best of luck to you and your family. I can't put it any better than Sandy1955 did, so I will just say I completely agree with what she said.

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  4. I lost a dear friend a few years ago who always reminded me, "Family first, always." You're an incredibly strong mother who knows her priorities and keeps them straight! Many thoughts and prayers will be with you as your family conquers this upcoming trial. Take a deep breath and jump in with both feet. You've got this!! :)

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  5. Today I am praying for your daughter, you, and your family. God bless!

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  6. Amy, Baylee is so so special and one of the most amazing little girls I know. Thank you so much for letting me teach her riding lessons, it was an awesome experience just to be associated with her. I am praying that the surgery brings good news and if you ever need anything, please let me or my family know. You are such a strong, great lady and God only gives us trials He knows we can get through.

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  7. Such a powerful story! Thank you for the reminder of what is truly important. I will keep a prayer in my heart for your family and especially your beautiful daughter.

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  8. I got chills when I read "L-Transposition", my husband has the same thing (or extremely close to it), he was not supposed to live to see his 1st birthday which is when he received his first heart surgery, and is approaching his 39th in March. He has a pacemaker to keep a good rhythm, and his doctors are pleased with each check-up that he has. He will most likely need a transplant someday, but for right now, everything is good and we thank the Lord each day for that and for the modern medicine that allows him to be here today. Baylee sounds like a sweet, strong little girl. My best goes out to you and your family.

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  9. Family First the rest is just stuff that we all can do without. You and your family will be in my prayers. How blessed you are to have such a sweet girl! I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. Hugs to you all.

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  10. Amy- First off...a very Merry Christmas to you and your family. I pray that the love of the Savior will fill your home with love and warmth. May you know that He is near and is watching over you and your sweet family. Prayers will be sent daily for all of you! Best wishes.
    Always,
    C. Pond

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  11. Amy if your daughter is anything like you and I know that she is she will surive this,and come out even stronger. My heart is with yours and hers. You are the best.

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  12. Amy, My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. May God bless you both.

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  13. Amy - coupons can wait - we are all here to support you - your daughter comes FIRST!! You are amazing and strong. A women with integrity, who truly wants to help others. I am sure God thought of who you are and how strong you are when he sent you your daughter. We will be thinking of your family and praying that your daughter's heart will be found 'unbreakable'. Hugs to you - Dotti :)

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  14. Your little girl is lucky to have such a caring, compassionate mom. She will forever be grateful that you were there for her during a scary time in her life. I will echo what everyone else said--coupons can wait. There's not a one of us who would choose saving 40 cents here and there over the life of a child. We'll still be here, praying with you and valuing what is truly important. When all is said and done, a job is just a job. You chose well.

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  15. Amy- You are amazing. I have and will continue to pray for you, your beautiful daughter, and your family. Thanks for all you do and have done for all of us in the coupon world. We know you have a more important priority right now. One scripture that has brought me a lot of comfort is John 14:27. May you and your family feel an outpouring of God's love at this difficult time.
    Sincerely,
    Judy C.

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  16. My thoughts and prayers to you and you family. I don't really "know" you, but I feel like I do. You help me every week to make my life better! Thanks for all you do, and I pray the doctor's will continue giving encouraging news in the future.

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  17. Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers! I truly appreciate it!

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